With Alex Pace who was our boom and zoom operator on set, initially incharge of sound!
Thank you for giving up some of your time to help me fix my film Alex. I do appreciate it, and though I don't think anyone will read my blog, especially you. Just in case you do I want you to know I really appreciate everything you do and some of what I'm about to say might not reflect my appreciation as much. But, I want to be honest. So I'm going to say what I need to say.
It's taking a long long time. It's been about a year now since we shot the Van, and we have just barely started fixing sound, it feels. Well, we've been working on it for hours at a time but, I don't think we've completed a scene yet.
I've been begging him to help me find the files and put them in. Alex recorded it all and has a better ear than I do, and him being the sound guy who went to school for music, he hears a lot of stuff, that I don't. We have to go through the entire film and pull all the sounds that he recorded separately from the camera, or record new sounds to make it work.
It's been a longer process that it should be. But, as long as it makes this film the best it can be, it's worth it. Sound, credits, and some coloring adjustments is all we have left to finish this film. Getting help with any of it has been really hard. People are eager to get help from me, but not as willing to help me with my stuff they promised to help with and made deals for me to work on thier stuff to help with. Something I need to work on for myself as a better leader and filmmaker, keeping people accountable for what they bargen me with and promises they make. I'm missing so many festival deadlines because I've been trying to make a film on my own hahah.
HAHA but the struggle won't keep us from completing THE VAN, and moving on to the next project. He had me re-record some sounds (breathing, and words, things like that.) It's been difficult but the film is there. We're close.
You know, I gotta say, I thought filming was a group effort and a project that needs others. It's fun making films with other people, I don't see the point of making a film on my own unless I do stop motion or something. But even that, I feel having input from others and stuff makes it better and more fun. Don't get me wrong, I don't need too many cooks in the kitchen but helpers and people who are supportive and interested would be super dope!
Through the development of THE VAN project I lost a friend who became controlling and possessive of my film and how he thought I should shoot it. He didn't want me to shoot with Eric and Alex in the first place, for whatever reason and it caused some weird shit to go down on his end. Wanted me to do it even more by myself lol. In hindsight, now I know I can make a film by myself that way, but I don't want to. It was the beginning of learning how to be a director and stand my ground with what I had already planned out.
I'm not sure why this film has caused so much tension and then growth. I've worked on plenty of other sets and this is only my second film that I've written, produced, directed, and put together. And for some reason, I think partly because of my gender, it caused people to treat me very differently. Gender I say because a lot of the tension is around 'cruses' men get on me AND my ability to be authoritative and control the situation or tell men what to do for me.
I learned so much, about myself and men. I try not to be a cunt, but if I am then I am and all I can do is the best I can do for me and be as honest and clear as I can. I can still be fun, I can be me and happy and honest and though one crew member thinks my eye contact means I want to fuck them, I don't have to let that adjust who I am. I can still keep my distance and not let the way others feel about me or whatever the issue is distract me. All I want to do with my life is act, make films, have adventures, explore abandoned places, have paranormal investigations, explore outer space the deep ocean along with other planets, and meet mythical creatures. HAHA I can't let passiveness and weird people mess with my vibe or allow me to have a negative vibe toward anyone else. I also don't want to hold other people's feelings against them. Communication and being straight forward seems to be the best way to go, but in a fun way. I tend to shut down and just hide instead. I'm working on it all, and have been getting better through this damn short film lol.
The three of us, Alex, Eric, and Myself, sat down and edited THE VAN script together before shooting. We cut a lot of stuff out, planned it all out and worked on it together. Immediately after shooting they kept saying "it's your project" not theirs, so I'm on my own with all other aspects that I've never done before. I feel like noone wants to watch it and I've been super lost. But, I've come this far and I learned so much being thrown in the weeds like that. I'm glad I edited it, how else would it have turned out otherwise? I picked every shot and blend and cut. After several drafts Eric was pretty responsive with notes that were hard to take at times. Hours/days/weeks/months looking at the screen and same film over and over and learning as I go, it's hard to hear that it still needs a lot more editing. But, I'm sick to death of it now and ready to have it finished. But, I will still do what I can to make every project the best I can, so I'm not half assing it and getting the help I know I need right now.
This whole process has led me think this projects sucks and no one wants to see me in anything. People want to help me if they are going to get me to help them or if they can be the center of attention, not me. I just want to make good films, and I love acting so much. But I'm trying something different next time. This next film I wrote and we will be shooting, I will not be acting in it anymore. I'll just direct and edit Sinner's Prize and see how it goes. Now that we know sound stuff, I'll make sure everything is labeled and I can line it all up fine and get through it by myself as I know now what I'm in for and I'll have to do Post production mostly on my own. I will slate every shot for sound lol and I will expect and be grateful that they are giving me their time for that day or two of shooting so that I may create whatever I want with it. :-)
Most people seem to just want their faces or names in things. Ego, so I'm going to play into their ego and still do my best to get the best story out of it.
Friend and I drove down during a snowstorm. It started mostly rainy, and then ended with us driving in slippery conditions home. But, we made it home after an hour or so drive! She's a good travel buddy and looks out for me haha. I couldn't let snow stop this from happening because it's already taking so long to get this far, and we haven't gotten much done. Have to get there and get it done at all costs.
she sits as close as she can to me.
I like her little foot lol.
Baxter, Alex's dog, switches from bed to bed. This is Alex's studio :-) thank you for putting some time in to help my film and let us be in your space.